treading water

this post has nothing to do with my current life. or everything.



a few years ago i had a relationship with a german guy... that isnt really the topic here. but the last thing i gave him was this postcard of a girls face seen through an aquarium. there were alot of reasons and symbolism involved, but i will spare yall. anyway, i just saw the movie that this postcard was aparently promoting. i am purposly leaving out the name of the movie, because it sounds....odd. its a german movie and it probably never made it the the states anyway.

the thing is, the movie seems to fit into a gap that had been left unfiilled. it sums up alot and completes the story. it seems to be the end to a story left dangling. there's no better way to discribe it. the issues in the film actually go farther than the relationship did, handling issues that have only come up in the years since, and yet there is no one else to think of in connection to this film.

the film deals with
love
death
hiv
anger
heaven and hell
attitudes
family relationships
sex
spontaneity
jealousy
predjudices
fear
searching.....

and when i look at that list, i see my life. the guy in the film described paradise as dark, cold, and wet, but the sun shines through the water. i used to dive down as deep as i could, lay on the bottom of the pool or lake, and look up at the sun... its blurry and outta reach. and if you move, the waves make the sun disolve.

so why am i writting this? i guess because i can't leave it unwritten. even if i am (as falko acuesed me:) using alot of words to not say anything. so here the questions: what is really imporstant in life? i don't mean the good christian answers, they are obvious and right, i mean the next level of importance.. the things that even a noon-christian can accept. and what percent of our lives do we give them? and what is the rest? are the things we consider important in life dependant upon what we do, who we are, or what is presented to us? how much say do we have in our lives? (no, i don't mean the pre-destination stuff, i mean in the non-spiritual sphere of life- wat jam to use and where to life and who to marry and so on..) and is there a way out? how do you hold on to the moments as they slip away and take your life with them?

read between the lines.



ps- ich hatte heut einfach boch auf englisch zu schreiben.